Another great poem by newsletter reader, Mary Hastings.
When I Thought All Hope Was Gone
(a time of depression)
by Mary Hastings 2001
There once was a time when I thought that all hope was gone,
I had never felt so lost and all alone.
All of my world seemed to be caving in,
It seemed as if I did not have a friend.
Things seemed to get worse no matter how I tried,
There were so many days that all I did was cried.
My life had been overcome with grief and despair,
Whether I lived at all, I did no longer care.
Mountains of problems and I was too tired to climb,
Although I was searching, no answers Iíd find.
Never had I felt so scared and confused,
I would lie around for hours wondering "What should I do?"
Every direction I turned, another disaster Iíd face,
What was the use in going on at this kind of pace?
Depression set in as more and more Iíd shut down,
Till I found myself finally flat on the ground.
Life seemed so hopeless, so why should I live?
What good was I anyway? I had nothing to give.
I started pushing away all my family and friends,
No longer had the desire to let them in.
I felt that all I could cause them was bad fortune and pain,
And I loved them too much, I had to be insane.
I had convince myself that they would be better off without me,
Without my burdens to bear, they could be free.
In my mind it made sense, although my heart said no,
But I couldnít handle it anymore. I had to let go.
Negative thoughts always filling my mind,
Self-destruction mode on and to the truth I was blind.
So tired of the struggles day after day,
This couldnít be all, there had to be a better way.
Haunted by my past, unable to forget,
Although I tried to move on, I just could not quit.
I felt like a failure, unworthy to go on,
Things would be better if only I were gone.
Sadness in my eyes, no joy to be seen,
What was I doing so wrong? What did it all mean?
Once filled with life, with goals and dreams,
Faded to darkness, ripped apart at the seams.
Where was the person I wished I could be?
But Iíd look I the mirror and still only see me.
Watching people around me who had it all together,
Though if I could be more like them, then I would be better.
Unable to accept me, filled with self-hate,
Thought I could never change me, Itís already too late.
How could someone love me when I could not love myself?
Who even was I anyway? That person had left.
I had it all figured out. The way that it would be,
Thought I could even read minds and what people thought of me.
Deeper an deeper into my world I would sink,
Losing touch with reality, just the thoughts I would think.
Although crying out for help, I still did not believe,
I didnít see a way out, my eyes they were deceived.
I once had been saved and trusted in God,
But lost faith along the way, as into sins path Iíd trod.
I turned to everything else, except the One who heals,
Looking for something to change the way that I feel.
Medications made it worse, doctors got me more confused,
See what happens when I try I thought, so whatís the use?
I couldnít see any alternatives, things just seemed to get worse,
I must have been living under some kind of bad curse.
No one else I knew seemed to have so much bad luck,
It just seemed as if my life was in misfortune stuck.
Thatís the way I saw it and others could tell,
So in sadness and hopelessness and self-pity Iíd dwell.
I tried and I tried and the worse it all would get,
So I just stopped trying, Just would give up and quit.
I had made so many mistakes, maybe that was my pay,
Live with the consequences day after day.
It just didnít seem fair, I could not be content,
I would relive in my mind, all the wasted life I had spent.
I felt my resources were used up, no place to turn,
I guess that would be another hard lesson to learn.
I did not understand why God would not hear,
Iíd pray and Iíd pray, but I could not find Him near.
Maybe he didnít really save me all those years ago,
I began to question and doubt, I really needed to know.
Once upon a time I had that joy and peace within,
I once thought of Jesus as my close and personal friend.
I knew that he had changed me several years before,
But as times changed and I moved on, I wasnít so sure any more.
Did I do so bad that He turned me away?
Was that the reason He wouldnít answer when Iíd pray?
Oh, little did I know that He was working there in me,
With circumstances and trials to help me to believe.
It wasnít that Heíd given up on my life,
But was planting the seeds to make everything right.
It was I who had quit trusting and was giving up,
Rather than allowing the Lord to daily fill my cup.
Although faithful to worship, Iíd put other things first,
I had turned to the world instead of the one who could quench my thirst.
It was not that I just no longer believed,
I just felt too unworthy of blessings received.
I fought situations rather than waiting on Him,
Felt I had to be the one to fix it and go out on the limb.
When I could not change things, I thought I had failed,
Not seeing the future that God beheld.
I did not understand how I could be a Christian and still depressed,
How could that be possible? My life was a mess.
God says love thy neighbor as thyself, but myself I did not love,
I was truly in need of some help from above.
So more depressed Iíd become as more useless Iíd be,
Till I could no longer take it, I had to be set free.
As flat on my face I cried and I prayed,
Lord, please save me and see me through, I canít face another day.
As I hit rock bottom with no place to go,
I finally saw the light again, as I had never been so low.
I knew only God could help me, Not I alone,
He could pick me up again, and help me to be strong.
But only if Iíd trust Him and let Him have His way,
Would I find that peace and joy, that had gone away.
Without Him I was hopeless, but though Him the future bright,
Because He has the power, to make everything all right.
I know His way is perfect and that He is in control,
And I should have no fear, if in His path I will go.
Each new day I face now, I see His work within,
And I love Him more and more as I look back where Iíve been.
I still have the troubles, and my share of pain,
But I know that I will never be without any hope again.
Now as I face the future, unsure of each new day,
Lord, be with me and see me though, is what I softly pray.
He has a lot of work to do, to make me what I need to be,
But thank God, nothing is impossible and Heís still working on me.
Iím so glad He saved me and opened up my eyes,
If it werenít for His Amazing Grace, I would have surely died.
He forgave me of my past and cleansed me all anew,
And now I can live for Him and do the work Heíd have me do.
There are still the days I struggle, with depression and with fear,
But when I do, I call out to God, and He draws me near.
I am only human and mistakes I often make,
But God still loves and forgives me, and promises never to forsake.
Praise God for His Mercy, and His ever saving grace,
For I should have died on that cross, but precious Jesus took my place.
Now when circumstances around me, seem difficult to bear,
I know I donít have to face it alone, my Jesus is right there.
Maybe the dreams Iíd wished for, werenít according to His plan,
I guess He has something better for me as He leads me by the hand.
I guess the time frame I wanted, was mine and not through faith,
And sometimes to see just how wonderful God can be, we just have to wait.
I need not worry, or be fearful anymore,
All I need is just to believe, He has marvelous things in store.
If I hurt somebody, through my past actions or my life,
I hope that God can use me now, to somehow make things right.
I hope to be an example, of His goodness and His grace,
I want others to see Jesus in me, just by looking at my face.
This world is tough to live in, with demands on every side,
And if someone else has felt like I did, I hope they no longer hide.
God can change anyone, no matter what youíve done,
And the work that He is doing in me, has only just begun.
He has led me to some people, who have really touched my heart,
He has always opened up the door, to help us make a new start.
I thank God for the Christians, who have so faithfully prayed,
Without them and their Christian love, who knows where Iíd be today.
God uses all kinds of people, no matter how great or small,
He has work for us all to do, if we just heed His call.
Words canít truly express, the joy I now have found,
Because I have my Savior and I am no longer bound.
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